Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thank You Sir - May I Have Another

It was a Monday night and I'd been up later than usual. At about 1:30am, I walked outside to take one last gander over the city before going to sleep. Here in Dealville, we have a little five-plex next door that I bought way back in the day. My tenants occasionally challenge my patience with late night parties, noise and all the things that go along with college students. While I was on the porch, I heard a loud bang from next door - which sounded like a 22 or a rock hitting the tin roof. There were voices too and it was such a provocative sound I couldn't let it pass. I pulled on a pair of pants, stuck my pistol in my pocket and walked next door. 

As I round the bend of the driveway, I saw a group of about ten guys standing in the headlights of a parked car near where Chris parks his truck. It looked like there was some sort of commotion. I just knew they were up to no good and that I was going to have to yell at them and run them off, for certainly they didn't live there. Well as I got closer, I recognized Matt Martin - my favorite tenant and his roommate John among the group. OK - so I couldn't be pissed because they were my favorites. I'm standing on the road looking down on these guys and three or four of them are leading Matt. Well he's been drinking I thought - after all, he's graduating this month and only today had his last class and turned in his last 30 page paper.
But wait - Matt pulls down his pants - his lilly white and wolly Viking ass shining in the truck headlights. He bends over slightly, being supported by his three of four friends. And then from below the wall, I see this other kid wielding a four foot wood paddle - making practice swings for Matt's ass. Ahhhh I said to myself - their all trading swats. Matt looked briefly over his left shoulder and said to his paddler - "Now don't hit my nutt sack". With one last practice swing - I could hear the whisper of the wind singing from the paddle as it sailed through the air - a dangerous and ominous looking slat of wood. BAM! - it rang out at hitting Matt's ass. I'll be darned if it didn't sound just like a 22 rifle. Matt paused for a moment - stood up and slowly pulled up his pants never once flinching - a distinct pink whelp angled perfectly across his ass cheeks. I couldn't keep my mouth shut and had to laugh, calling down to Matt how happy I was to have witnessed that moment. And without missing a step - this group of fraternal lads continued to exchange swats for another 30 minutes. I put the last of the trash sitting next to the dumpster up for the night and walked on home and climbed back in bed - then chuckled at every crack I heard from the five-plex below until I fell asleep.

Obamarama and Bling

I was driving into town when I got a call from Jeff. He was standing on my porch in a rare visit from Corpus. He'd brought with him a pal from Columbia name Juan Pablo. I turned around and went home. No most of the time when Jeff shows up it's to see if I have any open bottles of wine or whiskey laying around that he can nurse and prep himself for going out. We used to make jokes back in the day about the DZ's showing up at a mixer, walking in to say hello, but then grabbing two drinks and then going back out to their car where their boyfriend was waiting. Old trivia but I hear it hasn't change much in twenty five years. 

So I come home and visit. Juan Pablo is studying in Corpus and his father is a photographer in Columbia. My M4 was sitting on the pool table with it's 90 round drum clip in the receiver. When he saw it, his mouth opened wide like he was in awe. He said that in Columbia they are not allowed to own or possess such weapons. He said he'd never seen on so close. Well, it was unloaded so I let him pick it up - which he promptly wielded across the room in some sort of tactical maneuver - Jeff and I both ducking out of the way. 

We couldn't let him get away without having something to show the kids back home - and so we shot a couple of portraits for his Facebook page - I bobbing his teeth and ears to make him more appealing. He's now got the coolest Facebook avatar in all of Columbia.

Oh - and I have new bling wheel on my truck for the forthcoming Obama years.